Hey, Time For A Guest Blog On Depression/Anxiety...

Hey everyone... Been quiet for a while on here. However I would like to introduce you to hopefully the first of many guest blogs... 


The author of this shall remain anonymous by name - however if you want to talk to them let me know and I can point you to their twitter page, make friends and build a support network etc :) 


Here it goes... 


Let’s take the helicopter view of my life. I’m 27 years old with a fairly well-paid job, a successful part-time business venture, a caring family and great friends. Yet the sad truth is I am not happy.
Recent events have depleted my mood to an all time low. My workload has increased both in my day job and in my sideline venture, meaning that I have been spending 14 hours per day in front of computer screen. When I go to bed, I seem to sleep for a few hours before waking up in the early hours and struggling to switch off again. I very rarely get up in the morning feeling refreshed.
I lost my Grandmother 18 months ago, she had suffered with dementia for a couple of years but her death was quite sudden. Family conflicts ruined her funeral for me, and as a result I didn’t feel like I had the closure that I needed. I’ve also recently come to terms with the fact that one of my friends is terminally ill; at the time of writing, he has been given days left to live.
Two and a half weeks ago I was diagnosed with depression and told that I was showing signs of anxiety. Whilst this wasn’t exactly a huge surprise for me – it was still news that I didn’t particularly want to hear. I literally felt about an inch tall, and that my whole world was falling apart around me.
In all honesty this has been a long time coming, and I should have gone to the doctor a lot earlier than I actually did...
In 2007, I started to develop signs of paranoia when I was in a difficult relationship with an ex-girlfriend. After finding out that she had slept with someone else, I found myself unable to trust her and became suspicious about her whereabouts almost every hour of every day.
I would always ask her where she was going, who she was seeing, and I’d get defensive or suspicious if a man's name was mentioned. I didn't feel like I was in control of the situation. I think with this instance I was paranoid, but there was some substance behind it - she had admitted cheating on me, and it turned out later on that it wasn't the first or last time.
As a result, the relationship came to an end due to continual arguments which were partly caused by my mistrust. However, when I finally went to walk away from the relationship – my ex told me she was carrying my child, and I chose to stay with her. This turned out to be a huge mistake, after being told she had lost the baby – I later found out that she wasn’t actually pregnant in the first place.
This particular incident has left me with trust issues; I now found it difficult to let anyone into my life. I get really anxious when people don't text me back or answer my calls. I’m frightened that either I have done something wrong, or I start to believe that they either hate me or deliberately ignoring me.
After this had ended, I soon got back on my feet and carried on life as normal until my friend unfortunately committed suicide in 2009. I then started to notice signs of paranoia again shortly afterwards and I became scared of losing more people. As a result, I destroyed a close friendship by forcing someone away from my life by claiming it was for their own good.
There have since been three further repetitions of this over the last three years. The most recent of which has taken place over the last few months, with a girl that I have met - I will refer to her as C.
I have never met anyone like C, she is funny, says little things that really make me smile, and she is beautiful - like my perfect girl. We are not in a relationship, she had a difficult break-up with her ex-boyfriend last year and she is not ready for anyone else, but we have become very close.
Unfortunately my paranoia reared its ugly head again, and I have caused several arguments with C; accusing her of ignoring/hating me when she hasn't replied to my texts or answered my calls immediately.
Enough was enough for me; I had driven away too many people with my stupid actions and I needed to start addressing these issues. The last thing I wanted to do is to lose C, she means the world to me - however, I worry that I have done too much already to repair the damage caused.
About six weeks ago I finally decided to go and see my doctor. Initially I was prescribed Zopiclone to help me sleep, and given an appointment to see a Mental Health Consultant.
I went to see the Consultant the following week, and after a lengthy chat it became apparent that I was having anxiety issues as a result of depression. He suggested that I opted in for counselling at my local clinic, but there was a 6-8 week waiting list at the time.
The following night after another paranoid moment with C, I decided that I couldn’t afford to wait and contacted a therapist who specialises in helping people that are suffering from depression. I later made a further appointment with my GP and explained that the sleeping pills had not been working correctly, and I left with a prescription for citalopram – a well-known antidepressant.
Three weeks ago I started seeing a therapist, which has given me a chance to see the bigger picture and understand the reasons behind my actions. She suggested that I write a letter to my Nan on her birthday (last week) and leave them with some flowers where the ashes were scattered – after laying flowers I felt a huge sense of relief, like I finally had the closure I was looking for.
Earlier this week I discussed the aforementioned relationship; and it made me realise that I shouldn’t be beating myself up, it could have happened to anyone.
I would love to be able to click my fingers and make everything alright, but I know that it is not that easier and things may get worse before they get better. But what I have learned from this experience is that someone will always listen.
No matter how lonely I get or how hard life can be, someone will always listen to your problems. Just remember, you’re not alone.