Hey, Time For A Guest Blog On Depression/Anxiety...

Hey everyone... Been quiet for a while on here. However I would like to introduce you to hopefully the first of many guest blogs... 


The author of this shall remain anonymous by name - however if you want to talk to them let me know and I can point you to their twitter page, make friends and build a support network etc :) 


Here it goes... 


Let’s take the helicopter view of my life. I’m 27 years old with a fairly well-paid job, a successful part-time business venture, a caring family and great friends. Yet the sad truth is I am not happy.
Recent events have depleted my mood to an all time low. My workload has increased both in my day job and in my sideline venture, meaning that I have been spending 14 hours per day in front of computer screen. When I go to bed, I seem to sleep for a few hours before waking up in the early hours and struggling to switch off again. I very rarely get up in the morning feeling refreshed.
I lost my Grandmother 18 months ago, she had suffered with dementia for a couple of years but her death was quite sudden. Family conflicts ruined her funeral for me, and as a result I didn’t feel like I had the closure that I needed. I’ve also recently come to terms with the fact that one of my friends is terminally ill; at the time of writing, he has been given days left to live.
Two and a half weeks ago I was diagnosed with depression and told that I was showing signs of anxiety. Whilst this wasn’t exactly a huge surprise for me – it was still news that I didn’t particularly want to hear. I literally felt about an inch tall, and that my whole world was falling apart around me.
In all honesty this has been a long time coming, and I should have gone to the doctor a lot earlier than I actually did...
In 2007, I started to develop signs of paranoia when I was in a difficult relationship with an ex-girlfriend. After finding out that she had slept with someone else, I found myself unable to trust her and became suspicious about her whereabouts almost every hour of every day.
I would always ask her where she was going, who she was seeing, and I’d get defensive or suspicious if a man's name was mentioned. I didn't feel like I was in control of the situation. I think with this instance I was paranoid, but there was some substance behind it - she had admitted cheating on me, and it turned out later on that it wasn't the first or last time.
As a result, the relationship came to an end due to continual arguments which were partly caused by my mistrust. However, when I finally went to walk away from the relationship – my ex told me she was carrying my child, and I chose to stay with her. This turned out to be a huge mistake, after being told she had lost the baby – I later found out that she wasn’t actually pregnant in the first place.
This particular incident has left me with trust issues; I now found it difficult to let anyone into my life. I get really anxious when people don't text me back or answer my calls. I’m frightened that either I have done something wrong, or I start to believe that they either hate me or deliberately ignoring me.
After this had ended, I soon got back on my feet and carried on life as normal until my friend unfortunately committed suicide in 2009. I then started to notice signs of paranoia again shortly afterwards and I became scared of losing more people. As a result, I destroyed a close friendship by forcing someone away from my life by claiming it was for their own good.
There have since been three further repetitions of this over the last three years. The most recent of which has taken place over the last few months, with a girl that I have met - I will refer to her as C.
I have never met anyone like C, she is funny, says little things that really make me smile, and she is beautiful - like my perfect girl. We are not in a relationship, she had a difficult break-up with her ex-boyfriend last year and she is not ready for anyone else, but we have become very close.
Unfortunately my paranoia reared its ugly head again, and I have caused several arguments with C; accusing her of ignoring/hating me when she hasn't replied to my texts or answered my calls immediately.
Enough was enough for me; I had driven away too many people with my stupid actions and I needed to start addressing these issues. The last thing I wanted to do is to lose C, she means the world to me - however, I worry that I have done too much already to repair the damage caused.
About six weeks ago I finally decided to go and see my doctor. Initially I was prescribed Zopiclone to help me sleep, and given an appointment to see a Mental Health Consultant.
I went to see the Consultant the following week, and after a lengthy chat it became apparent that I was having anxiety issues as a result of depression. He suggested that I opted in for counselling at my local clinic, but there was a 6-8 week waiting list at the time.
The following night after another paranoid moment with C, I decided that I couldn’t afford to wait and contacted a therapist who specialises in helping people that are suffering from depression. I later made a further appointment with my GP and explained that the sleeping pills had not been working correctly, and I left with a prescription for citalopram – a well-known antidepressant.
Three weeks ago I started seeing a therapist, which has given me a chance to see the bigger picture and understand the reasons behind my actions. She suggested that I write a letter to my Nan on her birthday (last week) and leave them with some flowers where the ashes were scattered – after laying flowers I felt a huge sense of relief, like I finally had the closure I was looking for.
Earlier this week I discussed the aforementioned relationship; and it made me realise that I shouldn’t be beating myself up, it could have happened to anyone.
I would love to be able to click my fingers and make everything alright, but I know that it is not that easier and things may get worse before they get better. But what I have learned from this experience is that someone will always listen.
No matter how lonely I get or how hard life can be, someone will always listen to your problems. Just remember, you’re not alone.

Life Doesn't Have A Satnav...

I'm sorry to break it to you all. But life, it appears does not come with a satnav.
Don't bother looking for one, i've tried.
Would be handy though no? To know exactley what to type when it asks "please enter destination" Well yes thank you, I wish to be here by this specific time - avoiding all major road works and diversions.

"Your estimated journey time, taking the quickest route possible will be approximatley 81 years, 5 months and 3 days."

Well thanks LifeNav. At least I know where I'm going now...

Yet, there are things even a LifeNav can't tell you. It didn't count on the closure of all known feelings road, due to horrendous actions of nasty ex partner did it! Damn, detour.
"Please make a u-turn at the next available moment"
How we all wish we could have done at some point? Yes yes LifeNav, i'll make a u-turn and stick to what I and you know best, many thanks.

Only life doesnt work like that. Ooops.
What about the diversion you have to take due to what feels like a 73483023 car pile up in secondary school - yet again no fault of your own. Merely down to the fact that someone bullies you mercilessley? Your best friend has fallen out with you? You've got a detention. Well thats it, it's the end of the journey obviously. Life is over at this point. Not with LifeNav though, it has this knack of finding another route.

After the pile up has cleared, the route is clear once more. There is a long open road in front of you. Until BAM, Bus.
Where the hell did that come from?
Ah, yes. Congestion on the "must try and live life independently and pay bills A75 road."
Not very good this LifeNav thing is it?

Did it count on the flat tyre along the "road to a career?" No, didn't did it. Stupid LifeNav. Yet ANOTHER delay in reaching said destination. If it carries on at this rate, my tea will be cold.

Happily meandering along once more, down a road i think is called "success?" or at least the road to it... And crap... The wheel has fallen off. And there is a child, in fact no a family by the side of the road. And they have a dog... Hitchhikers? Doesn't LifeNav have a built in hitchhiker and clinger-on guide?
But no, they are not Hitchhikers they are my family. Excuse me LifeNav, that is a big delay... "Queing traffic for at least 18 years..."

What about the minor diversions, which quickly clear up - but at the time feel momentous. Illness, Job Change, House move? Christ it stores some information this machine.

Not to mention the speedbumps like not being able to find "the one" in time (life has a speed limit too!), the best friend who is more sucessful, the normal people you work with, the complete and utter panic when you hear the inlaws are coming to stay? TINY little speedbumps, that wouldn't even flash up on the LifeNav Screen.

But remember it, and look back on your life so far. I'm sure that you would perhaps do things differently, but that journey has gone. That leg is finished. LifeNav sends you the route it does for a reason. To test you (and your driving skills...) knowing, that even though it, and other sources are guiding you. You are in the driving seat.

Sit in the traffic jams, go over the speed bumps, take diversions and do U-turns if you want; But just feel proud, so proud of yourself, when LifeNav utters their final words;

"You have reached your destination. We promised to give you the quickest route, but we didn't promise it would be easy."


I guess what I am trying to say here, is that life isn't mapped out for us. Everyones is different any everyone has a story. This is my (hopfully) humerous tale on if life DID have a satnav... How angry we would be if it dared to go off track? But that IS life. It goes off track, it twists and turns and bends - it has more ups and downs than the average (Middlesbrough) football club... But you will get there!!

And when you get there, make sure you speed in sideways. Doughnut into your parking space and pick up a few speeding tickets along the way. After all... What is life if you don't push yourself and your boundaries?

DARE TO DREAM.

Why?

Why? 

Why is there a stigma? Why is it, like the troublesome root of japanese knotweed - attached to mental health? Planting it's roots, causing more harm than good, taking hard work to rid the root of the problem. 
Why do people deem it socially acceptable to talk about sex, periods, weight problems. All intimate subjects - yet freely talked about across the world day after day, yet cannot tell someone if their mood is even slightly low? 
I understand, if someone has not been blighted by such troubles in their life, it can be hard to comprehend. But why are minds sometimes closed? Like parachutes, they will only work when open. Unfortunately, too many people won't speak about problems such like, until it's too late. 
If someone tells you they are struggling - how do you necessarily know they want help? Maybe they just want to offload & a friendly listening ear... Maybe they don't know where else to go, and where the help is? Let's face it, help for mental health issues is hardly readily advertised. 
You can pop to your local chemist, doctor or even asda, & check blood pressure, cholesterol and obtain the morning after pill. Go to a chemist and tell them you have a problem but it can't be seen - they are flummoxed. 
People also apologise for "being like this". What is this? There is absolutely no shame in needing help, receiving help, and speaking about it. People should never feel ashamed about the person they are. You are given things in life as a test; a test of character, and because you CAN come out the other side; and be more
Proud of yourself than ever. 
I'm going to ask a question, and think hard about your answer. Pick a person you know - how are they? Now how are they really? Do you honestly really know? Many people will shrug it off because of this stigma. Think to yourself, how many things do you know about, things that are available etc through people speaking? 
Communication is the key to recovery. You are never alone, at times you may feel alone, no one cares, you apologise for taking up their time and being silly. But it isn't silly, it is serious. Never ever feel ashamed of what you are, and what you are feeling. Be yourself and reach out for help if you need it. You only get one chance, don't spend it searching for something, ask. Speak. Listen to your body and mind. 

Never let anyone make you feel inferior, or that you are weak for feeling like this. It makes you stronger as a person and you appreciate more in life. Always remember the strength you carry deep down inside even if you can't feel it, it's there. 

Life doesn't have a map, or an instruction manual...

And until people in any kind of standing understand this, there will always be this Japanese knotweed creeping, climbing and settling in. Take it on. Break the food chain that it thrives on, and speak. 

If anyone is struggling, please just let me know and I can supply my email address to offer support. I am by no means a qualified doctor or mental health nurse, but i can speak from experience. I can point you in the right direction for help should to need it, and more than anything I will talk openly. Lauri xx

Last one for now - Monster in my head...

This following story is written from experience...

There is a monster in my head.

I am not ashamed to say, it beat me. It must have been there for a while, hibernating.
Then one day it reared its ugly head.

What does my monster look like?

It's a giant elastic band ball. It has arms and legs. It runs from side to side in my head, taunting me.
The monster took me away. IT took me right to the bottom. It stripped me of my clothes, my skin and my life.
It made me retreat into my shell.

At the begining of this journey i was a tortioise. Retreating into my shell when things were tough. Now i something else.
I dont quite know what i a, but im not that tortioise. i WONT be that tortioise.

There is no shame in admitting what that monster did to me.
Shaking, Tremoring inside, feeling sick/dizzy, how fast could my heart beat? Apparantly not fast enough! Flushes, headaches and heartburn. & these are just the physical symptoms!
What about what goes on upstairs?
People ask you to snap out of it, tell you to cheer up and stop thinking of it, but im sorry, it isnt that easy. If it was, no one would ever suffer with it.
At times, that monster is is a lot stronger than me, not all the time, but at times.

What runs through my head you ask? What doesn't!!!

Imagine i gave you 3 concrete slabs, and asked you to place one on your head, and one on each shoulder. Welcome to walking around with anxiety.

I have tablets, i have paper bags, i have water. I HAVE PROBLEMS.
I can see a panic attack through, I can meditate when i feel calm, or sometimes even when im stressed, i can see that through.

What hurts the most and is so hard, is the thoughts and images. I know they are ridicoulous, but the monester must like them. He's found a friend up there!!

Fear breeds fear. Sounds stupid doesnt it? Don't be scared, a panic attack can't harm you.

No it can't. Well at least not physically. It F***ing kills mentally!
"am i going mad? Am i the only one? Can people tell? Am i going to die/be sick/pass out/stop breathing? NO.
But yet the thoughts continue to grow, branching out like a tree. It's a viscious circle,  and not a nice one!
But you know what?
somewhere in the outer edge of that circle is a door. You will find it one day. No-one can tell you how long it will take for you to find it, but eventually you will find that door and exit that circle.
Next time you feel you would rather be gone than live like this, look for that door. You might not see it clearly, but there will be evidence of it, and it's there somewhere.

What i fond extremley difficult was that i wasnt who i was suppose to be anymore. I was supposed to be strong, helpful, would do anything for anyone. That was me, a people pleaser.
But why?? Who says i HAD to be strong, i HAD to be helpful. no-one. It's the way i was made. there is no supposed to be this and supposed to be that. You are who you are. But what i realise now, is that i actually matter, i have a purpose. I understand it upsets those near me, and is hard for some to understand, but maybe this will help.

As i said at the begining, i am not ashamed. In fact, quite the opposite. I feel lucky.
how silly is that?
But i do. I feel lucky that i have been to rock bottom. I now know you cant always put on a face, and there is no shame in asking for help. But yes. Im lucky.

Going to rock bottom means the only way is up. You can't get any further down so there is only one way back.
I'm actually glad i didnt stay in the middle. I have experienced the sheer exhilrating highs of life, and the down right awful lows. But i wouldnt change it. I can now appreciate things a lot more.
I am thankful anxiety came, as it has given e a 2nd chance, and a chance to rebuild myself from scratch.
By no means is this going to be easy, it will be incredibly hard, with setbacks - but so what?
I've taken what that monsters thrown at me so far, and come through it.

Yes i a completley broken. I am a broken young woman. But so what? Crisis' and breakdowns arent just for mid-life!
As i said, i can rebuild. It's the hardest battle i have ever fought, but im still fighting. Theres a lion in me somewhere, and when he comes out, that monster better watch himself!

Im stronger than that monster. He might have taken precious weeks and months of my past and present, but he isn't getting my future, becuase i have hold of that. And my grip is stronger than his.

When i look to the future, i see a long road, with lots of bumps, lots of roads off it and lots of tunnels.
But it doesnt matter how fast i go over the bumps, which roads i take, or how many tunnels i go through.
Because at the end of that road, is;

ME.

The first one... Depression...

Is It Circumstantial?

Does circumstance act as a pre-requisite to depression?

I have known or heard of people with hundreds of thousands, if not millions of pounds in the bank - deeply unsettled and unhappy. I have in equal measure known of people with absoloutley nothing but they're friends and family - who couldn't be happier.
Steven Fry for example - a man with the world at his feet. A Hugely successful broadcasting career, i suspect a healthy bank balance, and also a manic depressive.
Marcus Trescothik - arguably one of the great English batsmen of recent years. A jet setter with the English national cricket team - seeing almost every corner of the world. HE holds a National record for the fastest half century scored in English Twenty Twenty cricket. He has also been clinically depressed.
The above examples allow me to return to the question in hand - is it circumstantial?
In my opinion it is impossible to tell. For many people money means everything - and by having this money means they are never depressed. Are they too busy to stop and think of their emotional well-being? Or are they quite simply, happy? Either - is a suitable answer.
For many people - money means nothing. If a person can go to work and earn a wage - put a roof over their families head and feed the children - are they happy? OR do they feel hopeless? Are they too busy to stop and think about thier emotional wellbeing or are they quite simply - happy? Again - any of these are a suitable answer.
Are material gains  more important than the love and support of dedicated friends and family? Who knows? Every persons view on this sibject - and rightly so - will be different.
However - with an economic climate such as the one present today in Britain - and much of the world, and the increase of those being treated for clinical depression - you do begin to ask if it is co-incidental?

sorry people... the next couple posts arent about photos...

they are my writing... enjoy!

Sorry I've neglected the blog! Had manic couple of days..

16 hour day followed by  a 14 hour...!

Nevertheless, heres a picture I took on Tuesday...