Second Guest Blog - Anxiety...

Hey everyone :-) 


Here is the second guest blog about coping with, and what can lead to struggles with anxiety. The writer is an amazing woman, but shall however remain anonymous. If you want to reach out to her - ask me and i'll put you in touch :-)... Enjoy xxx

It all started with a boy. As a girl... doesn't it always?! To be fair to him, I don't think I can blame P for all my troubles - but he was definitely a trigger. Sometimes I wonder whether actually this was a positive thing - afterall if it wasn't for him maybe my problems wouldn't have surfaced later on so I may still be suffering.

 

Anyway, to cut to the chase - P broke my heart. I couldn't eat. I couldn't see my friends. I certainly couldn't focus on my uni work.

 

We had had the most amazing, yet terrifying, whirlwind relationship. I fell hard, as did he. The only problem was he had ridiculous jealousy issues. At first I thought I could deal with it, I'm a pretty laid back girl and I was crazy about him. But soon he cut off all contact to my male friends and if I ever tried to go out without him it would cause the most almighty rows. As is always the way with these things, it happened gradually. So gradually that I just didn't spot the signs and before I knew it we were in too deep. We ended up living together for a summer during university - with neither of us working this meant that we were in each other's pockets all the time. I don't mind admitting that his jealous and controlling ways had reflected on me - why should he be allowed to go out if I wasn't?!

 

What had started off as love's young dream soon turned in to violence. Many women say that they could never stay with someone that was violent towards them. I was one of them. Until it happened to me. By the time he turned to violence, I was past caring. I loved P so much and was so dependent on him that nothing he could do would make me walk away. Until...

 

On a rare night out apart from each other, I went in to a night club with my friends. The first person I saw was P. Kissing another girl up against the wall. Naturally I went mad. But somehow he persuaded me to let him stay at mine. The next day he tried to deny it all. This was what really got to me... I had seen him with my own eyes. Unfortunately, when I tried to point this out to him I ended up with the most almighty black eye.

 

This time there was no hiding the evidence from my friends. What had previously only been a suspiscion of theirs was confirmed, cue a very long heart to heart and much tears. Somehow - and I still don't know how to this day - I found the strength to walk away from the relationship.

 

There started the real problems. Everyone struggles with break ups and at first I put my inability to sleep and general reluctance at communicating with the outside world down to that. However, a few months later things hadn't improved. I would stay in bed all day - refusing to look at my mobile phone, refusing to check emails, and acting as quiet as I could whenever anyone knocked on my door.

 

Somehow I scraped a good degree and I won a bursary to go travelling for three months. With no access to my phone or the internet for three months, I felt truly happy for the first time in ages.

 

But I guess this just shows that although symptoms can be delayed - unless you truly treat the cause of the problem they will never go away.

 

Upon returning from my travels, my problems came back - multiplied by ten. This time, rather than lying awake pining for my ex, I lay awake worrying about all the problems in the world, slowly developping an obsession with death. It got to the point where everytime people close to me, and indeed myself, went out - I became convinced we would all die.

 

Then I met someone new. A lovely, trustworthy guy who I'll name C. You'd think that this would have a positive impact on my life. Unfortunately the opposite was true. I began to treat C the way P had treated me - I was never phsyically abusive but I was so paranoid of anyone he spoke to. I also became obsessed with the thought he may die - if I hadn't heard from him in an hour or two I was convinced that the only possibility would be that he was dead.

 

Naturally this took it's toll and after six months together he convinced me to see a doctor. This followed a routine operation he had had to have, where quite frankly I lost the plot with the nurses and full on broke down in hysterics because they wouldn't let me see him.

 

You can imagine my relief when I broke down in front of the doctor and she told me that I wasn't actually going mad and that she believed I was suffering from anxiety. As soon as she said that it was like a lightening bolt. That was exactly how I felt - anxious. All the time, about everything.

 

The doctor gave me some tablets and talked to me about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and sent me on my way. At first it seemed to be gradually working, but although I felt generally more positive and calmer, I still had unbelievable anxiety.

 

It's hard to describe what anxiety feels like. I am such, and have always been, a laid back person. You know the phrase 'So laid back you're horizontal' - that applied to me. I never got nervous. Driving tests, job interviews, first dates - I never got a single nerve. And that's why I wanted to do this blog. Nerves are not the same as anxiety and anxiety can happen to anyone.

 

Anxiety strips you of your ability to enjoy anything. It can bring on panic attacks at the slightest thing. I didn't get nervous about my driving test, but stand me in a queue at the supermarket and I'd start to hyperventilate. Every time I got in my car I was convinced I'd die. I wasn't nervous about it, I'd just accepted it as a forgone conclusion. I began to plan how I'd act when my mum and dad died. It sounds unreal to those that haven't been there, but for me in that situation I was 100 convinced that it was only a matter of time that someone I knew and loved would die.

 

I have since been increased from a mild dose of the anti - depressant Citalopram, to a drug called Venfalaxine and the doctors have increased my dose on this until finally I feel my old self. Supplemented with Propanalol, I am finally living an anxiety free life. It's took hard work and I cannot stress enough how much CBT techniques also help.

 

I wanted to write this blog to show to anxiety can happen to anyone. My friends used to think I was joking when I told them about it. They also used to confuse my condition with depression - and although the two are linked, I can honestly say that my problems have always been anxiety related. Through counselling I have also linked the route of my problems - yes P was the trigger, but the cause actually came many years before that.

 

For people that are weary of taking and relying on prescription drugs I'd say this - the drugs have given me the boost I need to get my life in order. They've given me the positivety to exercise more, to volunteer, to begin to build a career - all of these in turn have helped ease my anxiety. Yes there are times when I still struggle, and in these times I really do rely on the CBT techniques I have learnt - showing that it takes a variety of different things to help cure mental illnesses, there's no set solution.

 

I genuinely never thought I'd be diagnosed with a mental illness. Even now it seems strange saying it. But it's important that people know that it can happen to anyone, and even though it can be something trivial that triggers it, it does not mean that the illness is itself trivial. I've been amazed at how supportive the NHS, friends, and random strangers can be. So if you are suffering, please don't do so in silence.

Last one for now - Monster in my head...

This following story is written from experience...

There is a monster in my head.

I am not ashamed to say, it beat me. It must have been there for a while, hibernating.
Then one day it reared its ugly head.

What does my monster look like?

It's a giant elastic band ball. It has arms and legs. It runs from side to side in my head, taunting me.
The monster took me away. IT took me right to the bottom. It stripped me of my clothes, my skin and my life.
It made me retreat into my shell.

At the begining of this journey i was a tortioise. Retreating into my shell when things were tough. Now i something else.
I dont quite know what i a, but im not that tortioise. i WONT be that tortioise.

There is no shame in admitting what that monster did to me.
Shaking, Tremoring inside, feeling sick/dizzy, how fast could my heart beat? Apparantly not fast enough! Flushes, headaches and heartburn. & these are just the physical symptoms!
What about what goes on upstairs?
People ask you to snap out of it, tell you to cheer up and stop thinking of it, but im sorry, it isnt that easy. If it was, no one would ever suffer with it.
At times, that monster is is a lot stronger than me, not all the time, but at times.

What runs through my head you ask? What doesn't!!!

Imagine i gave you 3 concrete slabs, and asked you to place one on your head, and one on each shoulder. Welcome to walking around with anxiety.

I have tablets, i have paper bags, i have water. I HAVE PROBLEMS.
I can see a panic attack through, I can meditate when i feel calm, or sometimes even when im stressed, i can see that through.

What hurts the most and is so hard, is the thoughts and images. I know they are ridicoulous, but the monester must like them. He's found a friend up there!!

Fear breeds fear. Sounds stupid doesnt it? Don't be scared, a panic attack can't harm you.

No it can't. Well at least not physically. It F***ing kills mentally!
"am i going mad? Am i the only one? Can people tell? Am i going to die/be sick/pass out/stop breathing? NO.
But yet the thoughts continue to grow, branching out like a tree. It's a viscious circle,  and not a nice one!
But you know what?
somewhere in the outer edge of that circle is a door. You will find it one day. No-one can tell you how long it will take for you to find it, but eventually you will find that door and exit that circle.
Next time you feel you would rather be gone than live like this, look for that door. You might not see it clearly, but there will be evidence of it, and it's there somewhere.

What i fond extremley difficult was that i wasnt who i was suppose to be anymore. I was supposed to be strong, helpful, would do anything for anyone. That was me, a people pleaser.
But why?? Who says i HAD to be strong, i HAD to be helpful. no-one. It's the way i was made. there is no supposed to be this and supposed to be that. You are who you are. But what i realise now, is that i actually matter, i have a purpose. I understand it upsets those near me, and is hard for some to understand, but maybe this will help.

As i said at the begining, i am not ashamed. In fact, quite the opposite. I feel lucky.
how silly is that?
But i do. I feel lucky that i have been to rock bottom. I now know you cant always put on a face, and there is no shame in asking for help. But yes. Im lucky.

Going to rock bottom means the only way is up. You can't get any further down so there is only one way back.
I'm actually glad i didnt stay in the middle. I have experienced the sheer exhilrating highs of life, and the down right awful lows. But i wouldnt change it. I can now appreciate things a lot more.
I am thankful anxiety came, as it has given e a 2nd chance, and a chance to rebuild myself from scratch.
By no means is this going to be easy, it will be incredibly hard, with setbacks - but so what?
I've taken what that monsters thrown at me so far, and come through it.

Yes i a completley broken. I am a broken young woman. But so what? Crisis' and breakdowns arent just for mid-life!
As i said, i can rebuild. It's the hardest battle i have ever fought, but im still fighting. Theres a lion in me somewhere, and when he comes out, that monster better watch himself!

Im stronger than that monster. He might have taken precious weeks and months of my past and present, but he isn't getting my future, becuase i have hold of that. And my grip is stronger than his.

When i look to the future, i see a long road, with lots of bumps, lots of roads off it and lots of tunnels.
But it doesnt matter how fast i go over the bumps, which roads i take, or how many tunnels i go through.
Because at the end of that road, is;

ME.